Me...Again...
A return and an explanation as to why summer disappeared and autumn is my new beginning...
It feels like such a long time since I have been in this space. I’ve interacted with a few people on ‘Notes’ and commented on a few posts – but I haven’t written anything to share myself…
The summer disappeared at a speed that was scary, lost in a vast landscape of busyness, and supporting, and trying to juggle all the aspects of caring for 2 different generations at either end of the spectrum. The initial heat exhausted me in a way it has never done before, or maybe that was something to do with the Vitamin D deficiency I was diagnosed with, rectified with a supplement but a reminder that I’m lucky to be so healthy, at this age, with my cardiac condition, and that I need to ensure that it remains that way.
It was also scary to realise that my daughter has just started her last year at college; by next July I need to have put in place a plan for her to continue to be supported, and to be able to access the route she wishes to take going forward. This will take time and energy, and probably a review of her care package that always comes with a fair amount of trepidation, energy and enthusiasm busting pressure, just like the review of my son’s care package is currently doing.
If I’m honest, I suspect – no, I know – that I got lost in the juggling and forgot to find time to do the ensemble of activities that make me feel an individual with a purpose. I found it difficult to create a boundary around a small portion of my time, as well as spending time supporting or creating experiences for others. In my heart I recognise that no one will respect those boundaries unless I create and enforce them, but my head tells me I should be spending time creating a lovely clean house, or a well ironed set of clothes, or preparing and cooking nice meals, or arranging fun activities for my daughter… the list of other ‘stuff to do’ is endless as so many of you are aware.
Going into autumn, and the start of the new academic year, has given me the space to look again, to take the time to reassess and recalibrate how I continue. Whilst I know all those responsibilities are never going to dissipate, I also know that in order to keep showing up for those people who need me, I shall have to find an element of selfishness that says “even if it’s only 20 minutes – it’s YOUR 20 minutes to be creative with”.
In September I wrote a (long!) summary of our summer on my blog Life and Other Stories that you can read here, and I also wrote a piece for Disability Talk on the new legislation that may affect working Carers. This article had lived in my head all summer, with research happening in snatched moments, and it felt like an achievement to finally get it written down, submitted, and published. You can read it here, and if you know a Carer that it might help, please do share it. When you are busy with life it can be difficult to access information unless someone puts it in front of you. After the Prime Minister’s speech at conference, I wrote an open letter to him that you can read here. This piece flowed easily!
And now it is mid-October and the rain has arrived with a vengeance. Finally, the leaves are turning golden and falling. I’ve started to make space for writing. Hoping to make it a ritual and routine to occupy this space more.